Potions
a harry potter au where potions is taught by gordon ramsay
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neville: *messes up his potion*
gordon ramsay: *holds neville between two slices of bread* what are you
neville: an idiot sandwich
no no no!
Imagine that this is Gordon Ramsay a la Masterchef Junior
Neville: *messes up the potion, realizes it, starts crying quietly*
GR: What’s going on?
Neville: *explains how he messed up*
GR: Oh gosh okay…we can fix this, don’t cry, see, it’s fine now? Just be more careful when you’re adding the Newt’s eyes, all right? Drop them in gently. There we go. No more tears.
Neville: *giggles wetly, wiping eyes*
Yes, he only screams when he’s dealing with people that claim to know what they’re doing and clearly dont, when he’s teaching he’s very kind and patient because they’re still learning.
He’d probably do the bread thing to Malfoy.
nononononono. I get that Malfoy is a bit of a twat, but he’s still a kid. It’d be the teachers fucking up that he’d have trouble with.
Ramsay: All you had to do was treat it with a fucking Beozar!
Slughorn: It was a stressfu-
Ramsay: How long have you been teaching potions?!
or
Ramsay: So you’re going to raise this boy SPECIFICALLY so he can die as part of your twisted little scheme?
Dumbledore: It’s for the greater good, professor.
Ramsay: The greater fucking good?! *holds two slices of bread either side of dumbledoor’s face* What are you?
Dumbledore: Am I, per chance, an idiot sandwich?
Ramsay: Yes, you fucking are.
Okay, now I can reblog it!
Fantastic!
Somebody make sure that he sees this post.
Thereโs a lot of accidental anti-semitism in the world , but sometimes I come across the deliberate and malicious anti-semitism im DND and Iโm just reminded that no matter how much I love this game it does not love me back and the original creators never wanted me to play it.
Todayโs example is: Phylactery
In d&d:
In real life
Thatโs right. they named the evil artifact that the evil undead spellcaster hides their soul in after a Jewish ceremonial object.
Actually I want to add something because the genius of this particular kind of anti-semitism is that most gentiles won’t know what a Phylactery really is, The only people who will notice are the Jewish players. Making them instantly feel isolated, alone, and unsafe in their d&d group.
when you come across that you should at the table paralyzed wondering
Do my fellow players know this is anti-Semitic?
If they don’t know and I bring it up will they be mad at me for ruining the fun?
If they do know and I bring it up will revealing myself as Jewish be dangerous?
It’s a tactic to deliberately push Jewish people out of the game. and nobody jump up to tell me it was an accident because it fucking wasn’t. Before d&d Phylactery only had one definitionand I find it impossible that they would know the word without knowing the meaning. Or at least knowing it was Jewish.
Holy shit can this post fucking disappear from my dash please!
Attention goyim: Jews don’t use the word phylactery. That’s stupid and greek. They’re called Teffilin.
I don’t know why articles everywhere say that this is what The Jews™ call their Weird Little Prayer Boxes, but we don’t say that, and it’s not even a super common aspect of prayer (at least where i’m from) and i wish y'all wouldn’t pretend to be offended at this. No jew calls Teffilin phylactery, when i first saw this post i even tried finding out if anyone i knew said phylactery, and they all looked at me like i was a dumbass. We don’t need your fake outrage, and I SEE YOU FUCKIN GOYS IN THE NOTES PRETENDING TO BE JEWISH AND FEEL ALIENATED! GROSS! This is a non issue, dispel it from your mind and stop spreading this horseshit!
I was going to let this slide as someone making an honest mistake, and that you can never be too cautious around antisemitism, but then I find out that OP lied about being Jewish for this post and frankly thatโs just pathetic to the point of hilarity.
(Image sources: https://projects.mcah.columbia.edu/treasuresofheaven/)
Also opโs insistence thatย โbefore d&d Phylactery only had one definitionโ is just an outright falsehood.ย A phylactery is a fancier word for a reliquary, which is an ornate sealed container that holds a fragment of the mortal remains of a Catholic saint, usually a bone.
Gee, what magic item could that have inspired in D&D? Hm?
(Gentile followers, feel free to reblog this not just for the educational aspect, but also for the unexpected faint echo of tumblr bone stealing witch drama)
today i learned that the one dude who drew self-insert ship art of himself and pearl while he worked on steven universe threw a tantrum when the creator of the owl house started dating the creator of gravity falls instead of him. and since he was fired from both cartoon network and disney he now spends his time making miserable tweets about how modern cartoons suck
Dont forget about him saying that lovingly making fun of anime is the same as blackface
Please tell me you guys don’t actually think bi lesbians or straight lesbians are a thing
feel like inventing some guys
guy who puts his head underneath the sneeze guard at the buffet
guy who tips the bus driver a 20$
guy who can swim in the deep end of the pool but pretends they can’t
guy who can’t remember their password and forgot their glasses so they ask you to read it off the sticky note they wrote it down on
guy whose kinda sexy from every angle except for one
can i make a guy too
yeah feel free, this is an open source guy post
guy that asks permission to make guys
Please stop making posts discouraging people from voting, especially if you don't live in the US. This isn't your fight, and you seem to think it doesn't matter who wins to you anyway. Let those of us who won't survive another Trump term deal with it. Hi. Me. Anarchist and socialist ideals are cool and all, but I won't get to be a part of them because I'll be fucking dead. This is not an exaggeration. I am 26 and I expect to be dead in 2-3 years if Trump wins. If Biden wins not only will I survive, but I will have the energy to fight his old racist ass on every awful thing he does.
Hey guess what: Trump has plans to eliminate Disability next year. He has the authority to do it by the method he is choosing.
Biden plans to expand Disability, increasing the amount you receive as well as granting ACTUAL MARRIAGE EQUALITY FOR DISABLED PEOPLE
I had to call off my engagement so that I can apply for Disability, but if Trump wins it won't even matter because Disability won't exist this time next year.
The idea that there is no difference between Trump and Biden is co-morbid with apathy for your disabled comrades. If Trump wins, I will probably lose access to my medications and be forced to work so my family can survive. The problem is that literally any job can and will kill me. I don't expect to make it halfway through 2023 if Trump wins the election. And that's just me. How many thousands or tens of thousands or more are in my situation? How many hundreds of thousands are WORSE OFF than I am?
Vote blue so there is a politician in office who we can actually fight on his bullshit. Don't stop protesting. Don't stop calling and writing. Push for the end of gerrymandering and the electoral college. But make sure your Disabled friends and loved ones are there to see the future you're trying to create.
this happened during the pre-chopped era so idk if anyone remembers this but there was this one episode of cake challenge where they had to make birthday cakes for one of the judges and this one contestant HATED that judge so she made this like, giant slab of undecorated yellow cake and stuck a bunch of skewered strawberries on it (i think the judge was like. known to have a scott conant red onions-like relationship with strawberries) and then she set it on fire and presented the burned mess to the judges table. anyways i think about that at least once a month it’s so aspirational
i dont remember the episode name but this was the cake
Okay, so I remember this episode clearly, I had it saved on my DVR till it busted.
Okay, the cake artist here is named Stevie, and she is one of the few I have no respect for. She is an Artisteย and italics canโt quite portray the disdain dripping from my mouth when I say that.
To give you a rough example of why i feel that way, letโs go back to her first time on Challenge. The contest was rice krispy treat (*couch* I mean cereal treat) bridges. What Stevie did was have a wooden frame tilted at an angle with strings for the bridge cables, which she wrapped in seaweed. Notice something I didnโt include in that description? Yeah, no cereal treats in the cereal treat contest. In fact, nothing really edible at all. In a food challenge. Plus if I remember correctly the thing fell and broke. ย So yeah, she came in last place and actually complained how the win was stolen form her because the judges were too blind for her artistic vision. Yeah. One of those.
So letโs break down this train wreck, shall we?
For starters, it wasnโt terrible on purpose, her initial plan was to show up Kerry Vincent and make her have to acknowledge her superior skill. But things started going wrong almost immediately. take the Strawberry Spikes. Stevie realized her cake wasnโt going to be as tall as the rules required (apparently she read them this time) so she used those to make up the height. The weird crinkly edging, for I donโt remember what reason she plated the outside of the cake in Sugar sheets. I think it was to make it look smooth but it didnโt work out. Especially when she kinda snapped half way through and just started tossing chocolate syrup, honey, and whatever else she could on.
And then the best part. Stevie decided the cake needed candles. And by candles, I mean little ramikins filled with alcohol. Which she lit on fire. Fun fact about sugar sheets - they are highly flammable. So yeah, Stevie set her cake on fire during the judging.
I honestly think it looks better post fire extinguisher.
On the flip side, letโs talk about Jason Ellis, aka the guy who won.
Heโd also taken heavy criticism in the past from Kerry. And he built his whole cake around showing her how much heโd listened and improved. He started his planning process not withย โBirthday cakeโ butย โwhat do I know about Kerry and what she values in cakeโ. And made this
Clean, elegant, and precise.
These two cakes symbolize the difference between learning from criticism and getting butthurt.
Reblogging for that last comment, because boy does it merit more attention!
Oh my god, I vaguely remember watching this? But looking at the photos, Stevie’s cake was even more of a dumpster than my mind pictured trying to come up with the memory. Like, holy shit.
Hopefully y'all don’t mind me being super into scream for a moment
โwow all these lesbians are so cute and nice and i canโt stop thinking about them! ๐ค โฆi guess i just think theyโre neat!โ